I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
