You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
