This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
