It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So vagazzling was a success
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
