so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
