Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
