he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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