my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
