my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
