i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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