So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
