I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
