i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
