I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
