she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
