she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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