saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
