Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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