New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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