she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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