i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
