my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i love accidental penises.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
