Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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