a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
