Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
