Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
