i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
