I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
