I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
