I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
