my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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