either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
