it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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