i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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