Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
