you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
