i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
