Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
