I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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