I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
