walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
