im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
