I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
