Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize