everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
