I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
