saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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