First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
