So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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