i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
