you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't deserve a penis
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
