I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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