You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
