this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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