Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My hand turned me down
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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