ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
