I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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