dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
worst night to have a conscience
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I need to align my fucking chakras
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
