I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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