god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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