First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
