i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
