the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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