Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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