so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
