YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize