My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
